Spike, “the cable network for men,” ought to call itself “the cable network for brain-dead frat boys” – except that even the most shallow frat boy would resent being associated with the network’s newest scripted “comedy,” Blue Mountain State (Tuesdays, 10:00 p.m. ET). This disgusting show’s first episode on January 12^th gave ample evidence why the program is the Worst Cable TV Show of the Week.

Blue Mountain State revolves around a trio of freshmen involved in a college football program: backup quarterback and party animal/slacker Alex Moran; his moronically demented roommate Sammy (a clone of the “Charlie” character from FX’s It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia); and reluctant innocent Craig Shiloh. Craig is dominated by his controlling girlfriend, but allows himself to be led astray by Alex and Sammy – though not so far astray as the viewer is by this misbegotten program.

The show opens with Sammy posing in a goat costume, hoping to be made the new team mascot. After arguing with Alex about “fingering Vicki under the bleachers in middle school,” Sammy answers the door, to find two co-eds in lingerie. As Alex has a threesome with the women – one nuzzles his chest while the other one, naked, straddles him during intercourse – Sammy enters the room, kneels at the foot of the bed to watch, and masturbates. As the girls react in shock, Sammy climaxes, yelling “Yeah! First one done!”

Then the opening credits appear.

There really is very little point in belaboring the content of the rest of the episode, but it follows the same loathsome pattern. “We don’t’ just beat our opponents, we crush their will to live. We suck the milk out of their mother’s t*** and use it as mouthwash! We rip off their d**** and invite them to an orgy!” bellows the team’s coach. The new players are forced to shave one another’s genitals as hazing. After a beer- and marijuana-soaked sex party, Alex is seduced by a “cougar” who is thrilled by the thought of Alex urinating on her: “You came in my room last night, pulled out your little c*** and p***ed all over me….I’ve been waiting for a big, strong man like you.” Ultimately, Sammy becomes the new mascot after recording the current mascot masturbating over the team’s trophy case, and the three friends are forced into a “cookie race,” during which each inserts an Oreo in his anus, and the losers of the race are forced to eat it.

Alex summarizes his own philosophy, and apparently that of the show: “I’m gonna end up as a middle-school gym teacher like my old man. And I’m okay with that. But I owe it to myself to get drunk and get laid as often as possible for the next four years.“ Had Alex included “get lobotomized” in his list, the show might actually have been improved; for although the program’s lead characters are freshmen, no show has ever been so sophomoric. Can there be any question why Blue Mountain State is the Worst Cable TV Show of the Week?  

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